The time has come. Scarlett begins chemo tomorrow. She will get two drugs via infusion (given by IV directly into her port), then one will be given at home via g-tube. We aren't 100% sure what it will be like. They tell us it won't be anything like what we dealt with before, but I am skeptical...I guess I can't imagine it being any better.
I have to work tomorrow. It's one of those days that I will have a really hard time focusing on my job, but will have to make it through. Luckily, it's Friday, and we hang a little looser in kindergarten on Friday! As soon as my students leave at noon, I will make my way to the hospital, where Chris will already be with Scarlett.
The infusions are each 90 minutes. That means that with prep time, fluids, pre-medication for nausea (it's expected to come on quickly this time), we will be there 4-5 hours. I have yet to figure out how we will entertain Scarlett in a hospital room, connected to tubes and wires, for so long. Usually we have the benefit (if you can call it that) of sedatives and pain killers. I doubt she will be incredibly cooperative, so we are packing a bag of entertainment to try to help.
Thankfully, she has been so happy all week. She absolutely loved getting to go back to school. She has played her heart out for the last few days, and is full of smiles.
Not me, though. I have been a mess for several days. I have been distracted, short-tempered and tired. I can hardly look
at her without getting choked up. I have been frantically taking
pictures and videos just in case we never get to see her as healthy as
she is now. I know it is grim, pessimistic, sad...whatever you want to
call it. But for me, it feels like the only chance I may have; we can't
go back. As she giggles and scoots, I keep thinking how cruel it is to make her sick when she cannot understand why.
There is a point in a traumatic experience when you can't cry anymore. There is no point - it no longer provides the emotional release it used to. You know that it will not solve anything. It drains you of the last shreds of energy you have saved up for the next stage, and you just can't afford to lose that. I have cried everywhere over everything with everyone. I have cried in movies, in meetings and in the shower. I have cried more in the last two years than many people do over many decades. I've reached the point that I just get it over with when I'm ready, get it out of my system for a while, then move on. And there is no end in sight.
Scarlett never ceases to surprise me. She is 24.8 pounds and around 32 inches long. She is in the last few weeks of teething ever - finally! She learned to suck on lollipops this week, thanks to a school friend's birthday; this is a skill we have actually been practicing to help her swallowing. She has also learned to cruise furniture while standing - no surface is safe if it is below waist-high! She signs "want" when she wants more - whether its food, singing or playing. She sleeps through the night every few days, but generally likes to have a chit chat party around 3 am. And she rarely naps. There's just too much to see!
This is my beautiful, amazing girl last week. She put on quite a show for this shoot.
Thanks to Krista Lucas Photography for always being there when we want to capture a moment.