Thursday, January 10, 2013

Round 1, Take 2

The time has come.  Scarlett begins chemo tomorrow.  She will get two drugs via infusion (given by IV directly into her port), then one will be given at home via g-tube.  We aren't 100% sure what it will be like.  They tell us it won't be anything like what we dealt with before, but I am skeptical...I guess I can't imagine it being any better. 

I have to work tomorrow.  It's one of those days that I will have a really hard time focusing on my job, but will have to make it through.  Luckily, it's Friday, and we hang a little looser in kindergarten on Friday!  As soon as my students leave at noon, I will make my way to the hospital, where Chris will already be with Scarlett.

The infusions are each 90 minutes.  That means that with prep time, fluids, pre-medication for nausea (it's expected to come on quickly this time), we will be there 4-5 hours.  I have yet to figure out how we will entertain Scarlett in a hospital room, connected to tubes and wires, for so long.  Usually we have the benefit (if you can call it that) of sedatives and pain killers.  I doubt she will be incredibly cooperative, so we are packing a bag of entertainment to try to help.

Thankfully, she has been so happy all week.  She absolutely loved getting to go back to school.  She has played her heart out for the last few days, and is full of smiles.

Not me, though.  I have been a mess for several days.  I have been distracted, short-tempered and tired. I can hardly look at her without getting choked up.  I have been frantically taking pictures and videos just in case we never get to see her as healthy as she is now.  I know it is grim, pessimistic, sad...whatever you want to call it.  But for me, it feels like the only chance I may have; we can't go back.  As she giggles and scoots, I keep thinking how cruel it is to make her sick when she cannot understand why.

There is a point in a traumatic experience when you can't cry anymore.  There is no point - it no longer provides the emotional release it used to. You know that it will not solve anything.  It drains you of the last shreds of energy you have saved up for the next stage, and you just can't afford to lose that.  I have cried everywhere over everything with everyone.  I have cried in movies, in meetings and in the shower.  I have cried more in the last two years than many people do over many decades.  I've reached the point that I just get it over with when I'm ready, get it out of my system for a while, then move on.  And there is no end in sight.

Scarlett never ceases to surprise me.  She is 24.8 pounds and around 32 inches long.  She is in the last few weeks of teething ever - finally!  She learned to suck on lollipops this week, thanks to a school friend's birthday; this is a skill we have actually been practicing to help her swallowing.  She has also learned to cruise furniture while standing - no surface is safe if it is below waist-high!  She signs "want" when she wants more - whether its food, singing or playing.  She sleeps through the night every few days, but generally likes to have a chit chat party around 3 am.  And she rarely naps.  There's just too much to see!

This is my beautiful, amazing girl last week. She put on quite a show for this shoot.

Thanks to Krista Lucas Photography for always being there when we want to capture a moment.


Titus 2 Thandi said...

PRECIOUS CHUBBY WUBBY.I have never been in your shoes but can so understand why you'd want to capture these moments.I've sadly read so many blogs that show it can take months to years to get back to this state of health (cancer notwithstanding) Chronicle away, and keep sharing with us;-) It's a good reminder of who we are praying for.Blessings and strength to you.

Dennis Giakos said...

God Bless you guys! She's going to do great!
We are praying for her strength and yours as well!

gillybeancandyjar said...

These pictures put a smile on my face. I LOVE the family photo.

Lots of prayers and strength your way. Hopefully the side effects won't be bad. I don't see the multiple picture taking being pessimistic.. you're embracing every minute you have with her.

Good luck good luck good luck! *hugs*

Töddel said...

Oh, she really looks just like both of you! What a beautiful girl, that crooked smile of hers is enough to make me smile myself. :)
I love the pictures, especially the family ones.

Good luck to all of you today. How difficult it must be to have to go back when you were supposed to move forward - and like you said in another post - to know too much.
I am thinking of you in this difficult time, and even if you don't feel like it, you are showing so much courage and strenght for your little girl! Take care of yourselves and each other.

Lady Niblet's Mama said...

I just love that smile of hers. I bet she's got the cutest giggle to go with it too.
Your family is in my prayers. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

The Macons said...

She is so precious! I will be praying for peace for you and your family!

Jodi said...

Do you have a tablet/ipad. Great for games and movies

Scarlett gets her strength from you 2. Everyone breaks down at one point. We are all human.

child of God said...

Fantastic pictures! Thank you for sharing them.
I am praying you will feel the love of God and know He is carrying you through all of this. The why's are to unknown to answer when it come to sickness and we all must mourn and move through this in our own way.

Praying for Scarlett to handle this chemo well and not become sick.

Praying and praying,

mommy2eal said...

I was on BBC with you October 2010. I've been following you since the beginning. It breaks my heart to know your family is going through this again but the Lord is with you all ALWAYS.

Scarlett is aboslutely beautiful. I love seeing the pictures of her and watching her grow. She sounds like she has a wonderful personality and I wish I could met such a strong family.

I am continuing to pray for you & your family. Hope things went well with the chemo today.

Praying for Hope said...

Take every picture you can of her and of you, not because it's grim or morbid but because she deserves it. It's one of many ways to fuss over her and show how much she means to you. She deserves that.

Sara V. said...

I'm a total stranger who just stumbled across your story on BabyCenter when Scarlett was a couple of months old. But I think about your family often and check in on your blog frequently to keep up on Scarlett's latest moving and shaking.

I won't tell you not to worry or not to be stressed or scared. You know what you know and this is worrisome and stressful and scary. It sucks beyond the telling of it that you are having to go through this again.


Scarlett is amazing. She really truly is. I know I don't have to tell you that because you're her mom! Lucky you! Of course you want her to be 100% healthy, to put cancer behind you and never have to look back. But you're up to this challenge and so is she.

Christa said...

Great pictures!! Thanks for sharing them. You and Scarlett and your family are in my prayers as you begin this next phase of your journey.
--christa, oct. 2010 mom

mamathlete said...

I too am a complete stranger who has been following you for a long time. It it no consolation, I'm sure, but I am so inspired by your courage and determination. There is not doubt where Scarlett gets her tenacity!

I have never been through what you are going through, but there are times in our lives when we put one foot in front of the other even when we don't know how we are doing it. Your daughter is your source of strength and you are hers. You will get through this, no matter what.

None of us know how much time we have on this earth, every day is a gift - please don't ever feel bad about celebrating what you have. I know Scarlett's circumstances are different but even still, joy of the moment is a truth that cannot be denied!

Sending prayers and healing from the East coast!

Em said...

Love the big smiles. I remember looking at Eva and crying all the time. Then it got better. Then it got worse. I hope it only gets better for you.
Sending love and hope.

Kimi said...

What a beautiful beautiful little girl!!! I have been reading your blog since 2010 and I am a huge fan of you, your husband, and your amazing precious little girl. You are the mom that I try to be every day. You are incredible and so is that adorable little girl.

~Niki~ said...

what a doll. love the family pics :)