Tonight, Brandi and I do not sleep. Instead, as Brandi reads 'Matilda' (her favorite book) to our sleeping Scarlett Grace, I think a thousand thoughts.
I think about the oddness of being interested, fascinated even, in the neuroscience, theory and practice, the icky and not icky medical details, memorizing the jargon, memorizing the names and faces of the doctors. I realize that Brandi and I, in a very short period of time, have met some of smartest people in medical science. The Heads of world famous neurosurgery, oncology, endocrinology. I wish I could have learned more. A part of my head is just interested, completely detached from what we're dealing with.
I think about our window view. It's like this: Directly below us - a flat ugly roof and industrial vents - the hospital's continuation. For those that live through disasters or tragedies, it is so easy to see the ugliness of what is happening. Then beyond that, highway 24, it's cracked pavement wrapping around us and then speeding off in the direction of Walnut Creek. This is the vantage of the rescuers, the heroes, the medical workers, I imagine the Red Cross, the doctors without borders...Then, apartments and houses that pepper the Oakland and Berkeley hills are visible, sparser and sparser as I look upwards. For this view I assign the onlookers, the media images, the distance of those that put the event into horizon and perspective. Finally, beyond the highest houses, The Fog. It partially obscures more hills in the receding background, beautifully idealizing them into mere concept, the "hill-ness" of hill, and for this I assign the notion of tragedy itself. Platonic, Picturesque, beautiful if sad. The "meaning" of tragedy is here. I wonder which vantage point is more accurate, more meaningful.
I think about what waiting for 16 hours will feel like.
I think about Scarlett's face. I've been trying to memorize her features, her little expressions she makes, the color of her skin, the way she smells, the feel of her skin on my lips.
I'm not at all sleepy, but I am tired, because clearly I'm rambling...